self-reflection....and then what do I do?

I've spent the last hour or two reading blogs and looking at weight loss success stories in both blog land and myspace. I love looking at pics of people before and after, but in some ways it leaves me feeling sad. I want to lose this weight, but I seem to be disabled. I went to the gym yesterday and did my strength training again. It always feels so good! I love strength training. But I ate like crap yesterday. I am my own worst enemy. The thing is that I don't know WHY I do this to myself. Am I, too, full of self-hate so much so that I can only talk the talk? I know so much about losing weight. I am practically an expert! But I can't make myself stop eating like an idiot. McDonald's #2 meal (2 cheeseburgers, fries, diet coke), a turtle sundae for lunch, white pasta (3 servings probably) and vegetable marinara for supper at almost 9:00 at night. I totally know better than to eat like this. I could have chosen way differently. But I didn't. It was "easier" to just eat that way.

My list of possible excuses:

1)PMS 'nuff said.
2)Frustration: got into a phone scrap with my mom. She is such a pessimist and drives me crazy. My older brother is definitely from her genetic makeup, and he did a couple of things recently sort of regarding my niece that were completely self-serving (he thinks he's entitled to everything). I was pointing this out to dear old mom and she defended his being such an ass. I finally cut her off and said - "I don't see your point at all, and I"m done. I'm not going to argue with you." DANG! I felt good cutting it off, but then I felt guilty for not engaging in combat with her....(just after was when I ate the McDonald's) Hellloooooooooooo??
3) This thing with my niece: we went down to see her. Drove 100 miles, spent my gas money, spent $85 to get her some clothes (all on sale for dang cheap, I might add,) got to the door of the facility only to find out that she'd done something against the rules and had been put on restriction - no guests. We were allowed about 10 minutes with her and then asked to leave. (shortly after I ate the turtle sundae)
4) Fear. Yep, here we go again. Niece above has an eating disorder (anorexia I believe fits her symptoms) on top of the narcotic dependency and alcoholism. Why didn't we see it. She says it's been going on for over 10 years. She does live 90 miles away and doesn't visit much. Perhaps she doesn't because being around us fatties with all our food scares her. I just never knew that she had this problem as well. It sure explains why she is bone thin now. She refuses to eat at the treatment center. Oh and her bad behavior that got her restricted: on the way to the AA meeting she went over to Kwik Trip and bought diet pills. She'd been off them for 2 weeks, and they made her dizzy and feel sick. She had to go to ER and have a charcoal cocktail to make the stuff pass out of her system w/out being absorbed. She'd been medicating herself with caffeine and diet pills for ages. Her mother's family is fat-phobic. Being of the mind that one must have a man no matter the cost, one must never get fat, because getting fat would keep one from finding a man is what she grew up with. Ironically, my side of the family is all fatties. My other niece said last night that she was told over and over again that she'd better watch it or she'd be like "those fat Champagnes." (Hey, I resemble that!) It's no wonder that Shannon is an emotional, physical, mental mess. She's been programmed that way for years.

So, let's get back to me...What the hell is MY problem?
I think I suffer from many of the same things. I think my self-worth is for crap. Part of me knows that I have a lot going for me, but the other part says it's not good enough. I've stuffed a lot of emotional crap down for a lot of years. My older brother physically and emotionally abused me while we were growing up, and my mother would never address it. I was always told to ignore him. How the hell can a little kid ignore a bully who is in their face 24/7 and using them for a punching bag? Ya know, I try to think back to when we were kids, and I can hardly remember playing with the older brother. It's like he's been erased from my mind. I think he made me suffer so much that I've stuffed him down. Today I pretty much hate him on a lot of levels. I hardly have any contact with him unless I absolutely have to. Mom, too, is responsible for programming me to think I suck - I feel like I was never good enough. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I moved out when I was 18 for college and only went back home for about 8 months one time after that. I just didn't want to be there. My dad had passed away and he was my rock - he LOVED me no matter what and was so proud of me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know mom loves me and is mostly proud of me now because I am strong (on the outside) and independent and have a career and am a pretty good mom and have my own home (dirty as it gets.) But....there's still that little flicker there that I'm not quite good enough.

I am the best actress in my own dramatic series.

Now, I know that the truth of it is that I need to learn to be enough for me. I am...most of the time. But my little house of cards tumbles so easily. Just when I'm built up to feeling good about myself, something happens to make it all seem for shit. Then comes the self-sabotage. And I'm so dang stubborn sometimes that I refuse to seek professional help. I want to sort this out on my own. But I'm not sure how I do that. And so the circle continues. How do I break it?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I know part of the answer:

1. exercise every day
2. log my food and choose wisely to get the healthiest bang for my calories
3. take care of my spiritual side - gonna post and throw clothes on and go to church right next door this morning

Sounds easy, right? Then how come I still weigh 295 when I've been doing this whole gig on and off since early May? Ugh.

Will write more later, but the church bells are ringing and I have to go.

thanks for the cyber-shoulder to lean on, dear reader.

Linda