Love yourself

I got a call Monday morning that my niece in LaCrosse was suicidal and had been taken to lock up. She had been using Meth and not eaten or slept for days and called her ex-boyfriend to say goodbye because she was going to jump off the Mississippi River bridge.

I arranged things here and drove as quickly as I could to La Crosse - about 80 miles away. She had spent the last two years clean and sober (2 awesome years!) but relapsed after her boyfriend, also clean and sober, broke things off with her. We think Shannon has been sneak drinking for a while.

About 2 weeks ago she started hard core partying. She skipped crack which was her drug of choice last time and went right to meth. She hooked up with a bunch of "friends" who also use and probably deal. She also used crack, pot, cocaine, extasy, and valium along with alcohol.

When I went thru security and approached the lockup room I saw a sad little girl looking out. She was dressed in purple and her hair hung in greasy lumps down her face. Acne covered her chin. And she was so thin and frail looking. I felt her sadness even though she smiled a little as we came in, but I didn't see my niece anywhere. What a shock for me that this sad pathetic little thing was my own niece, and I didn't even recognize her - she weighed about 105 yesterday. Since seeing me on the 29th of July or so, she has lost 10-15 lbs. She is covered in bruises from falling and having unprotected sex with whoever would have her. She may have been exposed to HIV and Hepatitis C and we know that she has HPV. She probably ate about 3 meals and slept 3 or 4 days in the last 2+ weeks. Her only concern was getting out to have a cigarette.

Recovery Shannon was beautiful and full of life. She went to NA and AA meetings daily, sometimes twice. She rollerbladed every day for miles and miles just for the joy of the sun and the wind and the freedom of being healthy. She held a job, had good friends, and was so proud of her beautiful apartment and her sobriety. She was vibrant and gorgeous. But I guess that was only on the outside in a thin layer, too thin to heal the ravages of growing up neglected and abused and abandoned.

She was angry. Oh, was she angry. Mostly she was angry at her exBF for calling 9-1-1. She wasn't going to really kill herself; she was looking for a place to sleep. So she says. But how can a person know? She said some pretty nasty things, and I know it's the drugs talking. Listening to her talk about it, I felt like she was almost but not quite bragging about all the drugs she'd done - it was a veritable buffet I guess. And the things she had done - from the looks of her and her attitude I think she was daring me to chastise her - had to have been heinous and nasty. But again she had that little smirk about her like she'd fought a private battle that I can't know about - something secret and sacred to the addict. Something only those who have lived and crawled thru the underbelly of the drug culture can know.

My other niece, her sister, came from Milwaukee area, four hours away, to spend some time as well. We ended up spending the night there. Steph is younger and was fortunate enough to see that drinking and drugs were no answer to the pain life can hand out. Two girls couldn't be more opposite. Steph dove deep into school and sports and music and extracurriculars and church. She was saved by a foster family intervening. But it was too late for Shannon. She's told others that she was raped by her 2nd step father. Both girls were emotionally abused by that piece of low-life scum. And the mother was more worried about keeping her man, no matter the cost, than she was about her children. Shannon raised herself with no boundries - though she was crying out for them, her absentee mother couldn't be bothered. So Shannon become alcohol and drug dependent by the time she barely graduated high school.

Shannon is more or less a ward of the county right now. Today she goes to court. Her doctor is a hardcore rehab doc and wants my niece in in-patient treatment. So do we. There are no beds in LaCrosse for that, so she may be placed someplace else. We won't know for a few days. She is 24 and has had a very rough life. Meth does damage to the brain and muscles. Shannon walks like she has jello for legs because the Meth has already deteriorated her musles. Just like with the HIV test, it could be months before we know what the total impact of her using Meth is. She has no job and got evicted from her apartment. I have her car - had to pay off a lien from a quick credit place to be able to get it. She was going to have one of her Meth girlfriends take care of it for her. That car is the only thing my girl has to her name right now. It took some doing, but I finally got her to agree to let me pay for the quick loan (300% interest!) and put the car away until she is ready.

Shannon called me last evening to tell me that she has court today at 4:15. I already knew that. We even discussed it with Shannon before we left. I am so scared for what the meth has done. It makes user's brains like Swiss cheese, and they are impared permanently from it. Shannon is also bi-polar with depression. She was taking her meds for that randomly, and they don't mix with the other drugs she was using. But ultimately she just didn't care.

Shannon is full of self loathing. She hates who she is - or at least who she THINKS she is. She has suffered so much rejection in her life and never felt true love until she met her now ex beau. She loved him back, but I think she couldn't handle it. She didn't think she was worth it. She still doesn't think she deserves real love. It's easier and safer, ironically, for her to take love physically from men who are just using her than it is to feel...FEELING anything is just to hard.

So, what does this have to do with me or anything? I'm an addict. I use food to soothe me. It is safer to be fat and alone and deal with the rejections that come with it than it is for me to risk something I know nothing about - a healthy body. I understand her addiction. I understand her self-loathing, because to some degree I have it as well. Society doesn't see me as a danger to myself, but I am slowly killing myself with every bad food choice I make. The good news is that this blog and the tons of information available around me are my recovery program. I read blogs for cues and clues to find success. I used positive self-talk to get me thru the last two days without eating everything in sight or picking up a pack of cigarettes to soothe me. I breathed and focused on other things to get me through. Mine is an every day battle. There are days when I do feel hopeless and desperate and want to say "Screw it!" But that's the addict talking.

I love myself. I need to love me more. If I didn't love myself some, I don't think I could give myself to my Shannon to help her survive treatment and recovery or to Stephanie who feels helpless about doing much for her sister. I've come to realize that those people who can't give of themselves aren't that way because of too much self-love. They are suffering from self-loathing...At least that is what I think.