How does one step off?

I don't have a lot of time this morning, but my heart is broken and I need to vent.

I have having a horrible time with my son. He is almost 10 and extremely sensitive, always has been. He's very shy. He's very smart. He's good at football. He is the sweetest boy. But he can't see in himself all the good things. He holds himself up to everyone else, and all he sees is failure and being a misfit. All this so much so that he told his principal at school, after having an inconsolable meltdown, that he wants to kill himself. He's 10!

Confession: some little part of me has seen this coming. I didn't want to face that truth head-on, so I have just been on watch, so to speak. Now I have to take action. I am going to make Hugh go to school. He needs to work through some of his bad feelings with them. As soon as the clinics are open, I will call to see about getting in with a doctor. I'm not sure his pedicatrician is in on Fridays, but I can't just wait for that. I need to also call the insurance people to find out if he needs a referral. I need to know who can see him asap. I don't want to wait on this at all.

I'm afraid! I live for my child. I am afraid that his father is going to blame me for how my son feels. The next step is that he tries to get custody and placement of him. If you've not been through it, you have no idea the fear of having someone accuse you of being unfit and trying to take away the best thing in your life. I've been living with this fear for 10 years. He said once in an email he sent before my boy was even born that he was going to go after custody, and I'd be lucky to even see him on weekends. I'm sure it comes up in conversation with "them", too. Together they feel superior to me - not just me...they feel they are above most people. They don't have other children. They have careers and their money. The won't let the boy wear our clothes at their house. They have a wardrobe for him bought at mall stores and nice places, not Walmart, even down to a hat he must wear and jackets that he has to take off in the car before coming home with me after visits. I shouldn't have started...sorry.

Anyway....this is horrible and I feel horrible and helpless. My boy has so much potential - he has the tools to be anything he wants to be. Emotionally his train is running on one track, and he is going out of control.

Please just pray for my boy and the people who can help him. I hate the thought of medication, but if that is what it takes...Oh God! I'm so sad. My life feels like a spinny toy at the park that I can't step off.