Sunday Check in

Well, I made it to Sunday. It was a rough week mentally. You have to go back and read if you don't get part of what made it that way. But it is the beginning of a new week.

I went back to Thursday and entered in everything I can recall putting in my lunatic maw since then. I think I got everything, but when I go into autopilot like that, it's easy to be in denial about the reality of the experience. I am sure that's what it is like for drug and alcohol addicts. There has to be some kind of niggling feeling in the head that says: "This is wrong wrong wrong" but we can shut it out and just do the deed because once it's over, the niggle goes quiet and guilt takes its place - another voice that triggers the emotional response of doing the thing again.

I remember my niece (drug addict) saying that she loved meth because it made her feel normal. Her definition of normal was totally skewed by what the drug could do to her emotional side. Hellooooo - food addict, are you listening. Eating the ziti or pizza or whatever it is made me feel "normal" in the moment, but the after was ugly and not what I ultimately want, because the feeling of regret is worse than the need to feed. Ironically, the cycle continues. I can't seem to break free from that. Honestly, I've thought about taking up smoking again just to get me through the holidays. Cigarettes - something else to put in my mouth besides food that makes me feel soothed when I"m agitated. I hate the taste and hate what they do to my lungs, but I like that calm I get from smoking them. I've come to far in my fitness to go back to them - ick. I just wish I could overcome the food thing.

How do people come to fully understand and believe in food as fuel and only that? What are they replacing it with? And why can't I envision myself reaching that understanding?

Whew. I hate how freekin' mental this process is for me. I just want to do it! I don't want it to continue driving me crazy.

Anyhoooooooooo...I am working on getting the house cleaned up. I gotta shut off this computer so I stop landing here. My plan was to clean, do walking workout; clean, do Biggest Loser workout; clean workout again; clean workout again...so far, not so good on the mission accomplished. But I have done several loads of laundry, cleaned out the dishwasher, reloaded and run it and folded and put away some clean clothes. I also discovered that my son's room is messier than ever. He's gonna be sad to find his TV gone again. Maybe I'll just take the cable instead.

Oh - lunch was great yesterday. I like those people. I also enjoyed seeing Twilight. I am impressed with how well they embraced the book in the movie. However, 20 minutes of overly loud previews had me a little annoyed. What is with that? And after seeing the previews, I don't think I need to see the movies...except the next Harry Potter coming out in July.

I went to bed at like 8:30 last night and was wide awake at 3:00. I got up for a bit, but I went back to bed after an hour or so and slept soundly. Weird.

I'm blah blah blahing now.

Make it a great day! I'm going to make a WW stuffed cabbage hot dish later.
YUM.

TTFN