Sunday Check in

Morning, everyone.

I didn't grade a single paper yesterday. Stupid me - now I'm in a pickle. I have have have to do all of them today. I am a super-procrastinator. Ugh. Grading essays is the part of my job I like least. And writing is the thing all my students need the most. I'll quit snivelling and get to it soon.

Yesterday was a good day. I put a turkey breast - yes, Sheila love, more meat - in the slow cooker. YUM! I had turkey and my experimental squash ravioli for supper last night. And some Bird's Eye (I think) Digestive Health vegetables. Later in the evening I had Fiber One carmel delight - try it! It's good stuff. It was a really good food day for me.

Points: 32 (yay, I was under!)
Activity: 30 minutes Denise Austin DVD, 20 minutes Wii Fit. I did the 10 minute hula hooping which cracks me up, makes me sweat, and leaves me pooped. I am determined to best my best number each time which forces me to work hard to accomplish that. My legs are killing me still from doing Leslie Sansone's Walk Strong 30 minutes the day before - whodathunkit? I need to do it again today so I can work those muscles again. I'm rather skeptical about Ms. Leslie, but I may still become a true convert. I did like that workout.

Why so much cooking lately? Well, I always feel pressed for time to do everything that needs doing. If I can cook things ahead and prepare from leftovers, that is a ton of time saved. We are talking 21 meals here, people. Imagine the variety I can achieve having a pork roast (2 lb) a beef roast (1.5 lb) and a turkey breast cooked and ready to go. All I have to do is find a veggie or other side, heat and go. This evening when I get home from retrieving that Hugh, I will prepare 5 lunches to take to school this week. No floundering and scrounging. I can weigh and measure, cover, and stack. Then each morning I can grab and go. I even bought some bagged pre-fab salad to put into containers. Grab and go!

Experiment ravioli: The wonton wrappers worked, but I wouldn't need to make this again. The squash is fabulous cooked with finely chopped onion and garlic. Then I added ricotta cheese to cream it up. Delicious on its own. I also had it over pasta. It was great. I should go get a couple more squash so I can have this on hand. It's yummy and healthy and feels like comfort food. My son loves eggrolls, so I will use the remaining wrappers for that. I played around with fillings and got him to eat cauliflower and sweet potato because he thought they were just cabbage and carrot. And instead of frying the eggrolls, I sprayed with olive oil spray and baked them. He liked that a lot.

Okay, I'm out. I have to refill the coffee and head for the couch with my papers. I will do at least 30 minutes walking today and some kind of Wii workout as well. Maybe just yoga today. I can't wait for spring. Over night we got freezing rain. Everything is glazed like a fresh donut this morning.

Make it a great Sunday.

linda

Wednesday - weigh in results

I lost .8

It's not what I wanted; it's still a loss; it put me over 10 pounds gone.

This week my goal is to eat far more mindfully - FAR more.

I will also go grocery shopping again to restock. I can't believe how much I'm out of. And yesterday we arrived home from school to find the refrigerator door open and that the K-9 units had helped take care of the leftovers. (grrr) Don't know how that happened. Okay, it's called "I need a bigger, newer fridge with less crap in it."

I also know that I didn't get to the gym last week like I meant to do. Linda fix. Going every day NO.Matter.What. (I walked doggies in the rain and cold this morning - blah, brrrrrr.)

Make it a great day, people. The choice is yours.

checking in

Hellooooo, friends.

Parent teacher conferences came and went in a blur tonight. I hate them. Mostly I had parent love, but I have a few parents who are kinda hatin' on the Miz. C. tonight. WHAAAAAAT? I know! Please, someone kick me if I ever begin to behave like my child is A all the way and can settle for no less than that - even if he becomes a slouch. Cuz he is really smart. Really. But he does not work to his potential 24-5...nope - that's reality. And I don't have any delusions about his potential....it is what it is. And poke me in the eye if I start living vicariously thru that child. Ick. Creepy. But I digress.

It came to me yesterday - also a blur by the way - that week 2 on WW was like a bad rebound week. Looking back at it, it was like I had just broken up with a lover and was hell bent on sleeping with the next available Romeo...and the next and the next and the next. Losing 5 lbs in a week was so empowering that I apparently decided I didn't really need WW and could eat with reckless passion and abandon in spite of myself.

I really sort of felt like I was breaking up with food. Maybe it is a divorce I'm going through. I love my food, but it isn't good to me or for me. What I get from it just is all wrong. I got involved with it for all the wrong reasons. Our children - my fat ass, belly rolls, back fat love handles, floppy thighs, and wobbly arms - don't need us anymore, so why would I stay if not for them? *Yes - my food and I "did it" a LOT! We raised generous but unhealthy fat stores. It's time for them to leave the nest. Time for me to move and live for myself. After my week of delusional involvement with foods from the wrong side of the tracks, I've come to realize that there will be other food. YES! Other food that can and will love me better than what I've grown accustomed to living and loving with. Will I miss it? Of course; we've been together since 6th grade. What about the spawn of our love? I might miss lugging it all along, but I can always keep one pair of fat pants and my before pictures to remember them. I'm going to grant food custody and exercise my right to visitation infrequently. *sniffle*

It's better this way. Really. I can already tell. Before too long I'll be redecorating. I've been slowly rearranging adding some muscle here and there- nothing ostentatious, just subtle strength rippling under the layers of my former body. The whole makeover thing will take time, but I'm going to love it when it's done.

tee hee.

I've been plugging the idea of blogging today. I'm going to work it into my curriculum for next semester when we do creative writing. I know there's great untapped potential out there. We'll have to see how that evolves.

ta ta for now, friends.

Linda

Linda lost 5.6 pounds!

yes

i

did

!

Now I can't help but think about how many more I'd have lost if I'd have totally stayed in bounds. Grrr. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. BONK! (on own head)

New week. New opportunities.

Let's get it started.

(cue music)

No ellipticals on the path of least resistance...

Did you catch theBiggest Loser season premier last night?

I did. I always watch and get motivated watching these fat folks put it out there on national television in an effort to become healthy human beings. Last night was another night to cram as much as possible into a very short time. I made chili for supper - no beans for Hugh, and then he didn't want it, so I should have just put the beans in. I also made him sit at the counter to do his math homework while I peeled apples to make some more applesauce. Talk about tedious. I had intended to do some kind of workout between 5 and 7 pm, but I just didn't get there. So I finally plopped down on the couch to watch BL. My little voice was nagging nagging nagging me about a workout, but I kept telling it to shut up. I was intent on sitting there for the whole 2 hours to get to know the new BL people. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the path of least resistance...

Well, that didn't last long. Since starting at the gym in May I've done some kind of exercise most days. I just don't feel right if I don't do something. I had walked the dogs for about 15 minutes in the morning, and I was trying to tell myself that was enough. But the elliptical across the room - a device I love to hate - kept staring at me. And staring. And staring. So I continued to sit, glancing at it occasionally. That beast. That death trap. That contraption sprung from Hell. Ahhhh, the path of least resistance...

Then I got to thinking. That was my mistake. *lol* How many seasons of BL had I sat and watched and related to and identified with those obese people about to step off the path of least resistance and into a battle for their lives? How many times did I sit on my butt and identify? Answer: however many seasons there have been, that's how many. And here I sat at the same weight again. Ugh. I like my path of least resistance. I'm comfortable there. Fat, but accustomed to that after all these years. There is no elliptical on that path. No gym. No treadmill. No walking shoes. Just a couch or bed with the imprint of my butt and body on the path of least resistance. And frankly, I'm tired of it. Ah, the path of least resistance.

So, I got off my *path,* found some shoes and socks, put them on and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. I even made myself do some HIIT. And I sweat like a big dog. I didn't use the elliptical handles - I'm just not coordinated enough. But I got my legs going and I did my elliptical thing at the same time as I watched Biggest Loser. And I felt good about that. And then I watched "The Cleaner" with Benjamin - way too hot - Bratt. I was afraid I would not be able to fall asleep - my excuse for not exercising late - but I was out before the weather report at 10:15. This morning I was up at the alarm and out with the dogs by 5:30. We did the long walk - 25 minutes worth. And I feel good about that.

What's ringing in my head is an article I read in Redbook. Some woman had lost about half her self by exercising 30 minutes a day and eating wisely. Well, heck, if that's all it takes, I can do that. But being the "overachiever" I sometimes am, I am going to strive for more than 30 minutes a day. Today will be those 30 minutes plus 40 minutes of circuit training tonight AND at least 20 minutes of bike or treadmill. Tomorrow is 45 minutes of HIIT.

So why do you find yourself on the path of least resistance? Is it because there is an elliptical across the path? What are you going to do to get off that path today?

self-reflection....and then what do I do?

I've spent the last hour or two reading blogs and looking at weight loss success stories in both blog land and myspace. I love looking at pics of people before and after, but in some ways it leaves me feeling sad. I want to lose this weight, but I seem to be disabled. I went to the gym yesterday and did my strength training again. It always feels so good! I love strength training. But I ate like crap yesterday. I am my own worst enemy. The thing is that I don't know WHY I do this to myself. Am I, too, full of self-hate so much so that I can only talk the talk? I know so much about losing weight. I am practically an expert! But I can't make myself stop eating like an idiot. McDonald's #2 meal (2 cheeseburgers, fries, diet coke), a turtle sundae for lunch, white pasta (3 servings probably) and vegetable marinara for supper at almost 9:00 at night. I totally know better than to eat like this. I could have chosen way differently. But I didn't. It was "easier" to just eat that way.

My list of possible excuses:

1)PMS 'nuff said.
2)Frustration: got into a phone scrap with my mom. She is such a pessimist and drives me crazy. My older brother is definitely from her genetic makeup, and he did a couple of things recently sort of regarding my niece that were completely self-serving (he thinks he's entitled to everything). I was pointing this out to dear old mom and she defended his being such an ass. I finally cut her off and said - "I don't see your point at all, and I"m done. I'm not going to argue with you." DANG! I felt good cutting it off, but then I felt guilty for not engaging in combat with her....(just after was when I ate the McDonald's) Hellloooooooooooo??
3) This thing with my niece: we went down to see her. Drove 100 miles, spent my gas money, spent $85 to get her some clothes (all on sale for dang cheap, I might add,) got to the door of the facility only to find out that she'd done something against the rules and had been put on restriction - no guests. We were allowed about 10 minutes with her and then asked to leave. (shortly after I ate the turtle sundae)
4) Fear. Yep, here we go again. Niece above has an eating disorder (anorexia I believe fits her symptoms) on top of the narcotic dependency and alcoholism. Why didn't we see it. She says it's been going on for over 10 years. She does live 90 miles away and doesn't visit much. Perhaps she doesn't because being around us fatties with all our food scares her. I just never knew that she had this problem as well. It sure explains why she is bone thin now. She refuses to eat at the treatment center. Oh and her bad behavior that got her restricted: on the way to the AA meeting she went over to Kwik Trip and bought diet pills. She'd been off them for 2 weeks, and they made her dizzy and feel sick. She had to go to ER and have a charcoal cocktail to make the stuff pass out of her system w/out being absorbed. She'd been medicating herself with caffeine and diet pills for ages. Her mother's family is fat-phobic. Being of the mind that one must have a man no matter the cost, one must never get fat, because getting fat would keep one from finding a man is what she grew up with. Ironically, my side of the family is all fatties. My other niece said last night that she was told over and over again that she'd better watch it or she'd be like "those fat Champagnes." (Hey, I resemble that!) It's no wonder that Shannon is an emotional, physical, mental mess. She's been programmed that way for years.

So, let's get back to me...What the hell is MY problem?
I think I suffer from many of the same things. I think my self-worth is for crap. Part of me knows that I have a lot going for me, but the other part says it's not good enough. I've stuffed a lot of emotional crap down for a lot of years. My older brother physically and emotionally abused me while we were growing up, and my mother would never address it. I was always told to ignore him. How the hell can a little kid ignore a bully who is in their face 24/7 and using them for a punching bag? Ya know, I try to think back to when we were kids, and I can hardly remember playing with the older brother. It's like he's been erased from my mind. I think he made me suffer so much that I've stuffed him down. Today I pretty much hate him on a lot of levels. I hardly have any contact with him unless I absolutely have to. Mom, too, is responsible for programming me to think I suck - I feel like I was never good enough. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I moved out when I was 18 for college and only went back home for about 8 months one time after that. I just didn't want to be there. My dad had passed away and he was my rock - he LOVED me no matter what and was so proud of me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know mom loves me and is mostly proud of me now because I am strong (on the outside) and independent and have a career and am a pretty good mom and have my own home (dirty as it gets.) But....there's still that little flicker there that I'm not quite good enough.

I am the best actress in my own dramatic series.

Now, I know that the truth of it is that I need to learn to be enough for me. I am...most of the time. But my little house of cards tumbles so easily. Just when I'm built up to feeling good about myself, something happens to make it all seem for shit. Then comes the self-sabotage. And I'm so dang stubborn sometimes that I refuse to seek professional help. I want to sort this out on my own. But I'm not sure how I do that. And so the circle continues. How do I break it?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I know part of the answer:

1. exercise every day
2. log my food and choose wisely to get the healthiest bang for my calories
3. take care of my spiritual side - gonna post and throw clothes on and go to church right next door this morning

Sounds easy, right? Then how come I still weigh 295 when I've been doing this whole gig on and off since early May? Ugh.

Will write more later, but the church bells are ringing and I have to go.

thanks for the cyber-shoulder to lean on, dear reader.

Linda