self-reflection....and then what do I do?

I've spent the last hour or two reading blogs and looking at weight loss success stories in both blog land and myspace. I love looking at pics of people before and after, but in some ways it leaves me feeling sad. I want to lose this weight, but I seem to be disabled. I went to the gym yesterday and did my strength training again. It always feels so good! I love strength training. But I ate like crap yesterday. I am my own worst enemy. The thing is that I don't know WHY I do this to myself. Am I, too, full of self-hate so much so that I can only talk the talk? I know so much about losing weight. I am practically an expert! But I can't make myself stop eating like an idiot. McDonald's #2 meal (2 cheeseburgers, fries, diet coke), a turtle sundae for lunch, white pasta (3 servings probably) and vegetable marinara for supper at almost 9:00 at night. I totally know better than to eat like this. I could have chosen way differently. But I didn't. It was "easier" to just eat that way.

My list of possible excuses:

1)PMS 'nuff said.
2)Frustration: got into a phone scrap with my mom. She is such a pessimist and drives me crazy. My older brother is definitely from her genetic makeup, and he did a couple of things recently sort of regarding my niece that were completely self-serving (he thinks he's entitled to everything). I was pointing this out to dear old mom and she defended his being such an ass. I finally cut her off and said - "I don't see your point at all, and I"m done. I'm not going to argue with you." DANG! I felt good cutting it off, but then I felt guilty for not engaging in combat with her....(just after was when I ate the McDonald's) Hellloooooooooooo??
3) This thing with my niece: we went down to see her. Drove 100 miles, spent my gas money, spent $85 to get her some clothes (all on sale for dang cheap, I might add,) got to the door of the facility only to find out that she'd done something against the rules and had been put on restriction - no guests. We were allowed about 10 minutes with her and then asked to leave. (shortly after I ate the turtle sundae)
4) Fear. Yep, here we go again. Niece above has an eating disorder (anorexia I believe fits her symptoms) on top of the narcotic dependency and alcoholism. Why didn't we see it. She says it's been going on for over 10 years. She does live 90 miles away and doesn't visit much. Perhaps she doesn't because being around us fatties with all our food scares her. I just never knew that she had this problem as well. It sure explains why she is bone thin now. She refuses to eat at the treatment center. Oh and her bad behavior that got her restricted: on the way to the AA meeting she went over to Kwik Trip and bought diet pills. She'd been off them for 2 weeks, and they made her dizzy and feel sick. She had to go to ER and have a charcoal cocktail to make the stuff pass out of her system w/out being absorbed. She'd been medicating herself with caffeine and diet pills for ages. Her mother's family is fat-phobic. Being of the mind that one must have a man no matter the cost, one must never get fat, because getting fat would keep one from finding a man is what she grew up with. Ironically, my side of the family is all fatties. My other niece said last night that she was told over and over again that she'd better watch it or she'd be like "those fat Champagnes." (Hey, I resemble that!) It's no wonder that Shannon is an emotional, physical, mental mess. She's been programmed that way for years.

So, let's get back to me...What the hell is MY problem?
I think I suffer from many of the same things. I think my self-worth is for crap. Part of me knows that I have a lot going for me, but the other part says it's not good enough. I've stuffed a lot of emotional crap down for a lot of years. My older brother physically and emotionally abused me while we were growing up, and my mother would never address it. I was always told to ignore him. How the hell can a little kid ignore a bully who is in their face 24/7 and using them for a punching bag? Ya know, I try to think back to when we were kids, and I can hardly remember playing with the older brother. It's like he's been erased from my mind. I think he made me suffer so much that I've stuffed him down. Today I pretty much hate him on a lot of levels. I hardly have any contact with him unless I absolutely have to. Mom, too, is responsible for programming me to think I suck - I feel like I was never good enough. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I moved out when I was 18 for college and only went back home for about 8 months one time after that. I just didn't want to be there. My dad had passed away and he was my rock - he LOVED me no matter what and was so proud of me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know mom loves me and is mostly proud of me now because I am strong (on the outside) and independent and have a career and am a pretty good mom and have my own home (dirty as it gets.) But....there's still that little flicker there that I'm not quite good enough.

I am the best actress in my own dramatic series.

Now, I know that the truth of it is that I need to learn to be enough for me. I am...most of the time. But my little house of cards tumbles so easily. Just when I'm built up to feeling good about myself, something happens to make it all seem for shit. Then comes the self-sabotage. And I'm so dang stubborn sometimes that I refuse to seek professional help. I want to sort this out on my own. But I'm not sure how I do that. And so the circle continues. How do I break it?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I know part of the answer:

1. exercise every day
2. log my food and choose wisely to get the healthiest bang for my calories
3. take care of my spiritual side - gonna post and throw clothes on and go to church right next door this morning

Sounds easy, right? Then how come I still weigh 295 when I've been doing this whole gig on and off since early May? Ugh.

Will write more later, but the church bells are ringing and I have to go.

thanks for the cyber-shoulder to lean on, dear reader.

Linda

It's My Journey, Too.

Oh my goodness, look at me with my very own blog.

I am Linda. I have been overweight since puberty slammed into me at around 11 years old, and I've been struggling and fighting and living with it forever. At 43 years old, I am actually waging what I hope is the final major war with obesity. I stand about 5'5" and weigh 290. My highest weight was about 320, but I'm guessing. My lowest was around 280 and that was several years ago.

I am a single mom of a 9 year old boy. Been single since day one with random support and interference from the other parental unit. That relationship has been a frequent stressor for me over the last 9 years. But when I look at my sweet boy, it's all worth it. My other kids are fur kids - 2 dogs and 7 cats. I know...

I am a public school teacher. I teach high school English at a very small school so I have to teach everything from English 9 to junior college prep to creative writing, poetry, Shakespeare, War Lit, American novels. It's a lot to know. There are times when I think I would be better off at a different school or doing something else, but with my masters and 11 years experience it would be hard to get a job in a different school cuz I'm too expensive (more than a new grad or one with just a BS.) I also can't imagine what I would do instead.

I do a lot of reading of blogs. I enjoy reading other people's insights. Strangely enough, I sometimes envy the blogging ability of these folks. I teach English. I am a good writer. What's up with me? The thing is that I have lived much of my life driven by fear. I haven't blogged until now because I fear that I have nothing to contribute that will help anyone else. Maybe it's a middle child thing - I only ever got negative attention growing up. Ironically I am the most successful of my siblings.

Last spring I realized fully just how fear has been running me. I hate that! So it is something I have been working on. I joined a fitness place and workout as often as possible - strength at least 2 times a week and cardio most other days. Unfortunately this last month has been a little crazy, and I've done some backsliding. However, come August things are going to get much much better. And with August being only a week away - there ya go. I was really afraid of joining the gym. At nearly 300 pounds, I feared people staring and laughing at me. I feared I wouldn't be able to do it. The great news is that I can do it. For three months I've been doing it. I'm making great progress. I LOVE strength training. I like the treadmill. I've met some great people. No one has laughed at me even once - except when I was getting instruction for using the treadmill and later almost lost my footing and went down big...but that was day 1 (and it was funny.)

Fear does run me a lot: yesterday I had to pick up my son and knew there was road construction. I went way out of my way on this trip because I was afraid to go right up and into the construction to see what was possible with the roads. On the return trip, my sweet boy at my side, I drove right up to the end of the line. I had to do a crazy turn around, but I found a quicker more direct route to get around the construction. How much time would I have saved (and gas and mileage) if I'd had the nerve to do that in the first place? Ugh! Fear! Ugh!

I just had my 25-year high school reunion. It was so much fun! People talked to me. People were nice to me. People wanted to know what was new. People told me I look great. One guy told me I look better now than in high school. I could have taken that as a slam, but I knew what he meant. (Hey, we was poor folks!) What a nice weekend. Oh, that's where my blog name came from: I look so good where some folks maybe don't because FAT DON'T WRINKLE! Let the wrinkles come over time as I get the weight off, but for now I'll take the positive side.

Let me leave you with my newest favorite thing to eat:

1 can black beans
1 can red beans
1 can white beans
1 can corn
1 green pepper cut up fine
1/2 medium red onion or about 10 red onions cut up fine
2 big cloves crushed garlic
1/4 cup cider vinegar
"some" olive oil
salt, pepper, red pepper to taste
chopped cilantro - how much depends on how you like the taste of it
juice of one lime
1 tablespoon sugar (just to take the edge off, I like me some sweet edge)

(I cook by guess and by gosh, so be brave here)

Open canned stuff and poor in colander. Rinse. Throw everything into a bowl or storage container, stir, chill.

That's it. Okay, you can eat this with tortilla chips. I found some really good white meat chicken chunks on sale at the store last week and added chicken to this and ate it like a salad. High in fiber, low in fat, but highly gaseous! It's delicious and filling and healthy.

Welcome to my world where fat don't wrinkle, and I do have something to say.