Well, I have been away since Tuesday afternoon to LaCrosse, WI where I attended college. I took my sweet son and my yearbook editor for 2009 to "yearbook camp." Okay, it's a workshop, but the idea of "camp" cracks me up, so that's what I call it. Plus with the American Pie movies and "This one time at band camp...." and then the kid got the oboe or clarinet stuck on his penis, well I just gotta call it camp.
Threw any healthy eating and working out out the window. Why? Cuz I wanted to. I can get back to all that tomorrow. After all, yearbook camp IS like a mini vacation. Tuesday night we ate Chinese buffet and last night I got a super-healthy salad from Panera Bread and washed it down with two pizzas of pizza from Rocky Rococo. Breakfast was all carb (except the boiled egg.) And I did zero fitness. Am I proud? Ashamed? Victorious? Defeated? Nope. None of that. I'm simply conscious of the the fact that tomorrow I am 100% committed to "hitting restart" and giving 100%. My August goal is to spend every day eating right and taking care of my by going to the gym daily. Why? School starts end of August. Then I have to start all over working out a survival plan for losing this weight and getting healthier.
But that's for another blog.
I'm sad yet enlightened a bit from this trip to "camp". I have a niece, 25 years old, single who has been in and out of rehab for drugs and alcohol at least 4 times. She had just celebrated her 2 year anniversary of being clean and sober in June. And then her boyfriend dumped her. Her support from him, both financial and moral fled leaving a gaping hole in her soul. Slowly she has slipped back into old habits. It started with spending money she didn't have, and just this last weekend she relapsed with both drugs and alcohol, in addition to "hooking up for wild sex" with some agreeable guy.
She sat on my bed at the hotel last night telling me that she had spent two years smoking crack prior to her sobriety. I didn't know that. Gawd! This is my niece, my kid. So when she slipped back into her old bad habits she didn't stop at alcohol and pot - she smoked crack and crystal meth for the first time - a lot of it. She said to me: OMG - that meth is amazing. After I smoked it I felt so normal. It was awesome." What the frog was I supposed to make of that? "Normal"??? I was like - that wasn't "normal for you" straight is normal. Your addict head thought it was normal, because it seemed so familiar and comfortable. But that was not NORMAL!!!!! (shouting) It took her a bit, but it seemed to click. I'm not sure how long that crap stays in a person's system, but I think she was still under the influence. It's sad. And unfortunate. And ugly, because she could die this time.
But ya know what? I'm not all that unlike her. I know that eating greasy unhealthy food is bad for me, but I LOVE how comforted I feel when I go there. I LOVED eating that thick pizza with so much cheese and giant clumps of sausage. I know how it feels to feel "normal" again from eating so badly for three days. For too many years poisoning my own system by living to eat was 'normal'. Eating healthy and choosing wisely and well is hard work. It is so much easier to just do what is familiar and comfortable and fattening and unhealthy. It's sad. And unfortunate. And ugly. And if I don't do something about it, I could die sooner than I should from heart disease, diabetes or something related to obesity...
Am I then that much better than my addicted niece who has relapsed? That's not the point, plus it's totally judgemental and who am I to judge. I'm as weak. And I'm as out of control. And I have a challenge before me.
One day at a time. That's how the recovering addicts do it. And so go I.
An Expensive Egg
1 day ago
7 comments:
Great post! I too feel like I have to get a firmer grip on my drug of choice, food. People smile or laugh when I tell them that I will be in recovery for a lifetime. They don't see how easy it is to relapse & undo what progress I have made thus far. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. Your niece’s story is a real eye-opener, isn’t it? And you’re right: who the hell are we to judge? We have an addiction, too. The crazy part is that we can’t stop eating, so we MUST learn to control it. Some how… some way.
Whoever said life is fair?
I love your blog (we share the same color scheme!) and welcome your writing about fear, progress, camp and all! It's nice to meet you. :-)
PS - I love FAT DON'T WRINKLE!
Hey, Just started reading your blog. I know the "addict" feeling. It really is an apt analogy.
The worst part is that you can't just avoid food. There's no getting away from the temptation, so you have to be rock solid committed to eating healthy...which isn't at all easy.
Congrats on the first step! We'll all be with you cheering you on along the way ^_^
-Meg
I never really thought of it that way but it really is an addiction. For instance 5 years ago I was on the right track for health, eating right, exercising, and enjoying life. I had lost 100lbs and was so proud of myself. Now hear I am looking at this 50lbs that I have gained because I "fell off the wagon". It is so hard to know when you are falling off with food though because you have to eat to live, so the boundaries are more sketchy than with other addictions. One little brownie is not going to kill you but when that one little brownie becomes one big brownie, then one pan of brownies, is when you lose control. I know now that getting healthy is going to be a lifelong struggle that will not stop when I hit a magic number. I will have to work at it for my entire life. Isn't that a daunting thought.
Happy Training,
Love Jenn
Found you through MizFit.
I've tried to get my mom to form healthier habits (she turns 60 next week, has diabetes, high blood pressure, other health problems). She always just turns around and reminds me that my husband is a heavy smoker (who promises repeatedly he will quit) and that I am a *very* light smoker (I have 2-3 most nights).
I suppose we all (well, most of us) have our vices.
I have a niece, just about to turn 17, who is already living on her own and who I worry about deeply. In my situation, an aunt is often a good source of help for a young niece. Good luck.
Enjoying your blog!
What we all need is a new normal.
I hope your niece makes it back to sobriety, clean & strong.
Over eating, smoking, drugs, alcohol, spending, etc, they can all be addictive behaviours that can hurt us. We all know it, but the immediate reward is sometimes more desirable than the long term payoff of weight loss, saving, being sober, etc.
Thank you for sharing. Excellent post.
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